WTF is up with hormones.

Seriously. WTF. Why is there no solid information about women’s hormones out there? I can buy a ton of crap to help even out my adrenal glands or whatever, but when it comes to hormones, I can take some or deal with it. Let me tell you about my observations.

After Lulu, I became sensitive to my moods because I wanted to be the best mom I could be. Let’s face it: I am the type of person who needs a lot of motivation to do stuff. If I am feeling sad, restless, unhappy, mad, scared, anxious, etc., I’m probably not going to be productive. I waste time, money, and, in extreme cases, relationships, opportunities, and the ability to adult.  I started noticing (because I wasn’t drinking, etc., as much) my mood shifts are related to my diet, sleep and exercise patterns, and menstruation.  It was pretty easy to see the relationship between these things and figure out what worked, to the extent that I could control it. Situations would arise (my marriage, Lulu not sleeping, eating on the road) in which I couldn’t control the outcome, and it was OK.

Then we became homeowners and had Bebop. And my hormones went batshit crazy. It may have had something to do with the radial scar that I somehow convinced myself was a milk rock (a rock made of breast milk, holy shit did I really sell myself that story for 7 years?!) that prevented me from breastfeeding on my left side. Or it could have been postpartum depression. Or it could have been feeling trapped.

It could have all of those things or none of them. But I know this: anti-depressants do the opposite of what they’re supposed to do to me. I feel sad and have a lot of feels. I tried experimenting with the usual or known factors; it worked after Lulu so why not now? Nothing helped me: diet, exercise, sleep, life changes. I noticed my emotions were over the top. Did I have permanent pregnant brain??!

I tried going to the OB/GYN to get a look at my milk rock.  It hurt all the time. Throbbed. Like a bad tooth. They were concerned enough to do a biopsy. But it wasn’t cancerous and they left it in. That’s when I started putting the pieces together that this was mostly hormonal. I tried birth control. Birth control does the same thing that anti-depressants do: numb me physically and make emotions go crazy. WTF?!

I tried to look into it myself, but holy crap. The amount of not helpful information on the internet about women’s hormones is disgraceful. It started to make me feel like an old stereotypical hippie with all the emotions and menstrual cycle stuff. I mean, I couldn’t leave the house once a month. The week before was exhausting with anger and depression and insomnia and fatigue and body aches. During it’s like I’m on really strong painkillers. I don’t feel safe to drive because I’m so high on hormones.  The week after is like a hangover. So for one week, I could regulate my moods the usual way. I can’t live like that!

So then, I had the milk rock removed. It still really hurt and it was making me nervous. But, man. My hormones were NOT happy. It got worse. Shit got harder to handle. Now I wonder if the only way out is the same way in? Babies. i always wanted three. I’d love another and I love babies. But I’m 40. Can I even handle another?

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